So you fancy yourself a liberal? Looking to be a loser too? Then you’re in the right place. Follow these 12 tips to start looking like a liberal loser today!
Body of a Liberal Loser
To commence your liberal loser makeover, we want to make sure we have a not-so-solid base.
This is the easiest step of them all. Literally do nothing.
Never been to the gym? Great! You’re already ahead of the competition.
Follow a diet high in refined carbohydrates, soy-based meat substitutes and void of any animal-based products or basic vitamins, minerals and nutrition.
Your body will take a natural skinny fat shape in no time!
Congrats on building a crappy canvas of adipose tissue and damaged-skin from your diet-induced hormonal imbalances and nutritional deficiencies.
Now, let’s ink that bad boy up!
Ideally, you’ll want to employ the services of a high-school dropout. Have this fellow liberal loser crudely scribe whatever stupid tattoo is trending deep into your skin. This allows you to artificially seek validation without achieving any sort of real accomplishment.
Tattoos are traditionally meant to showcase “I’m a badass motherfucker”. Usually, getting a tattoo follows a right of passage into manhood.
Are you a Polynesian warrior or Marine with Taliban skulls for each of your confirmed kills in Afghanistan? Or maybe a biker, fighter, or general ass-kicker. If so, this does not apply to you.
Liberal Loser Clothing
Make sure your clothing is just form-fitting enough to show off your complete lack of muscular development.
However, the fit also needs to be just loose enough to grossly exaggerate the contrast between your craft brew beer belly/bitch tits and string-bean arms.
Your clothing needs to appear tattered, worn and overall sloppy.
Can’t find your way to a local thrift store to re-up on 30-year old threads? You can also pay 30x the normal price for “pre-worn” clothing. Select a trendy (without looking trendy) manufacturer of your choosing.
Choose a fabric that is painfully uncomfortable against the skin. The irritation will leave you rashy, itchy and squirmy. Thus, making you appear even more unnatural and robotic in your body movements.
Your fabric of choice should resemble a standard communist rucksack. Which is an essential accessory if you really want to look like a liberal loser.
The key here is to ensure that colors and tones violently clash. While simultaneously looking like they go together in a disgusting display.
To do so, I’d recommend starting with a standard poop palette.
If you’re feeling really advanced, take a spin on the Adobe Kuler wheel to select an array of complimentary death-tone, baby-barf or decaying-roadkill colors.
Liberal Loser Grooming
Your haircut should look like Sid’s barbie doll from the original Toy Story. You know, after he had just finished shoving shears through the hair of his tortured toy.
Or Miley Cyrus from her Wrecking Ball video.
Avoid anything the looks classy, neat, clean or timeless. Refer back to the color palette to select the perfect complementary tone to draw additional unearned attention to your unattractive self.
Whether you can actually grow facial hair is not important. Allow it to wildly blossom without worrying about neatness or stylishness.
The closer to totalitarian despot you can get, the better.
To achieve this, do not trim, shave or style your facial hair. EVER.
In doing so, you’ll develop a natural style that says ”I’m neither homeless nor employable”.
Liberal Loser Accessories
Grab a pair of thick-rimmed Rachael Maddow glasses to view reality through an even denser and darker lens than that of liberalism.
Sure you could get contacts or Lasik like an adult. But how would people know you’re either way smarter than them or too weak to pop a piece of plastic against your pupil?
Add social justice warrior bonus points if you don’t actually need glasses.
Click on my Amazon affiliate link to buy your very own pair of non-prescription liberal loser glasses in a color of your choosing!
But wait! Buy now and all MENshrine proceeds will be donated to the Trump Make America Great Again Committee in your name.
Ironically, the more culturally-appropriating, the better.
Taking a break from your Spring Break and stuck on the two-hour bus ride from Cancun to Tulum? You’d best be boasting a shit-ton of topaz or Mayan-patterned metal.
Trek through Southeast Asian? Bamboo is for you my Bernie-loving bro.
The more impoverished the people, the more social justice points you’ll gain amongst your circle of unemployed friends.
Ready to take looking like a liberal loser to the next level?
Prove your commitment by crudely punching holes in your face. And shoving stupid shit through the permanently-scarred orifice.
The bigger the gauge, the more grotesque the perforation, and more irreversible the damage the better.
Remember, God is perfect and you are created in his image. Oh wait, you’re an atheist right? (Although post-modernism is apparently the latest and greatest dogma, FYI)
Teach that omnipotent bastard a lesson. And do it with irony all at once! By having spikes driven through your skin. Like Jesus.
Give special attention to your arms. Anything that remotely resembles even the slightest shape of properly formed biceps and triceps is strictly verboten.
Do some more research on being skinny fat to get a better idea of the look you’re trying to achieve.
How to Talk Like a Liberal Loser
Looks only get you so far when it comes to being a liberal loser.
You’ll need to develop a lispy effeminate voice. That is, if you haven’t done so already from validation seeking and soy drinking.
Aim for sounding like a tranny who hasn’t fully transitioned. Note, you may need to practice here.
I highly recommend watching the below video.
Now, do the EXACT opposite.
A deep and commanding voice is a projection of a man’s power and deeply-rooted, calm and collected self-assuredness. This is not you.
Nothing says “I’m better than you” while simultaneously conveying you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about like upspeak. Also known as uptalk or millennial uptalk.
Back in the day, the use of upspeak was restricted to dumb chicks from California. This was commonly referred to as Valleyspeak.
Nowadays, the phenomenon of young men talking like young girls has taken the world by storm.
Referred to as a high-rising terminal by linguists, to talk like a 13-year girl, all you need to do is simply raise the pitch of your voice as you nervously stammer through an ill-thought-out sentence. As if you’re asking a question.
This easy trick will communicate to the other person that you are unsure, uneasy and seeking validation. Combine with excessive use of the word “like” to boost your lefty status.
Become a Liberal Loser Today!
So there you have it, my non-binary friends. For less than a few bucks and zero personal effort at all, throw these tips together so you can look like a liberal loser too.
Not losery enough?
Be sure to include additional tips in the comments. As I’m sure this list could be much more exhaustive.