So you want to get over an ex-girlfriend. Now what?
You’re likely experiencing an uncontrolled mix of depression, anxiety, anger, rage, confusion, and sadness. All at once. You want answers dammit, and you want them now. Luckily, you’ve come to the right place to completely get over your ex-girlfriend.
I’m sure you’re driving yourself crazy pouring over the same tired ol’ questions:
- Why me?
- Where’d I go wrong?
- How do I get her back?
Luckily, you came to the right place.
I used to be the undisputed king of getting walked over, cheated on, lied to, stood up and flat out disrespected. Giving my all and not receiving a goddamn thing in return.
Sound familiar? I feel you. Been there done that.
Shit, I even married a Colombian chick who ditched me for a Home Depot day-laborer (no disrespect to manual laborers intended) once her green card arrived in the mail.
Needless to say, I eventually grew tired of repeating the same cycle of infatuation followed by heartbreak and desperation. So I decided to do something about it. Once and for all.
You can do the same. But first, it’s time to put on our big boy pants and get honest.
Why did my ex-girlfriend break up with me?
Regardless of the bullshit excuse she gave you, she dumped you for one reason. And one reason only. She views herself (or her new lover) as having a higher value than you.
There’s really no way to sugarcoat it. You’re into her more than she’s into you.
When you become the pursuer, this messes up the natural polarity of masculine/feminine energy in the relationship. Despite what progressives and feminists tell you, women hate being in relationships where they have to take the masculine role.
Disagree with me? I’m sure you do. That’s why you’re here.
Masculine men who take the lead in relationships select women, not the other way around. Don’t worry, you’ll understand (and internalize) this important detail eventually.
How did my ex-girlfriend move on so fast after breaking up?
Girls don’t dump you out of the blue. She made that decision a long time ago. Looking back, you’ll notice how she progressively grew more annoyed, cold, nitpicky and less intimate with you as doomsday neared.
In the meantime, she made sure to stack her deck with new dating prospects. While slowly phasing you out of her life. You see, girls jump from raft to raft and never attempt treading rapid waters alone.
As much as you hate to hear it, she will have a new man inside of her within 24 hours of breaking up with you. That is if she hasn’t been with him already.
The day she stops having sex with you is the day she’s banging someone else. No sooner. No later.
Why do I want my ex-girlfriend more after breaking up?
It’s human nature. We want what we can’t have. This is a powerful psychological and economic effect that salespeople and marketers also use to sell products. It’s called the scarcity principle.
Essentially, the less supply of something exists, the more demand increases. In this case, the love and affection of your significant other vanished. And now you crave it.
Just remember that your now-ex unilaterally decided that you were not good enough for her. For whatever reason. Naturally, this delivers a pretty heavy blow to the ego.
Do you love her, or hate losing the fantasy of loving her?
One of the hardest questions to ask is if you truly loved her in the first place. For many guys, we fall in love with the fantasy we created for this girl. Everyone carries an ideal of who they want their perfect princess to be.
Unfortunately, we often project these fantasies onto others and start to unravel once we realize she can’t achieve our expectations. Additionally, we may miss a lot of red flags during this phase of infatuation.
In reality, no woman can truly love a man 100% unconditionally.
Pining over her only perpetuates the fantasy of “if only I did x, she would’ve done y”. In doing so, you’re only going to continue driving yourself crazy.
The Love-hate Continuum in romantic relationships
You can’t hate something you never loved. The feeling of hatred occurs when your love is not reciprocated. These two emotions don’t appear on polar opposites of a spectrum. Rather, they are the same feeling separated by a very fine line on a continuum.
The only way you truly know you’re “over” someone, is when you feel indifference. Your ex felt indifferent when she dumped you. If you really love her, you’ll respond by compassionately respecting her desire to never see you again.
Should I go no contact to get over my ex-girlfriend?
Short answer, yes.
Any attempted contact will reconfirm her decision that you are of lower value and breaking up was the right decision. Time to create distance.
Going “no contact” is not about punishing her with your absence. Although it can have that outcome. Conversely, it helps you process the breakup faster by “getting it out of your system” all at once. Treat this as an emotional detox.
What do you do after a weekend bender? Wait it out, rest it out, work it out and sweat it out. Sure, you might experience the Monday blues. Sure enough, you’ll be fine come mid-week.
During this detox, do not entertain any attempts at communication from your ex. She will likely feel the lack of your presence too and miss the comfortability of your unconditional attention.
Do not feed her ego with your validation.
While trying to get over your ex-girlfriend, treat her like a housecat. You try to pet the damn thing and it runs away and hides. Then, the moment you’re trying to sleep to knock off some work, this little asshole decides it’s time to sit on your face or keyboard.
When she contacts you, give her exactly what she wanted when she decided to dump you. The deafening sound of silence.
Should I unfollow my ex-girlfriend on social media after breaking up?
In the modern world of social media, this becomes a common question.
Social media serves as a channel for your personal brand. Most of the world only experiences the essence of “you” via your social media presence. When you do something drastic, friends, family and potential future dating prospects will notice.
Don’t do anything online that you wouldn’t do in front of a crowded room of people. This includes creating fake profiles, social media stalking or publically sulking following the breakup.
I used to immediately unfollow a former fling whenever we split. I now advise against that for a single reason. Not drawing outside attention to the fact you’re grieving while trying to get over an ex-girlfriend.
There is one big caveat. Hide their updates, tagged photos, and stories from appearing on your timeline or feed. Social media algorithms are smart. They know how to keep you addicted to the platform so you continue logging on as they deliver ads.
You don’t need to see her stupid inspirational quotes, Sunday Funday with her hungover club-slut friends, or hoards of thirsty guys posting on her wall every time you go online.
Let busybodies (including your ex) wonder what happened. Continue living like the relationship never existed. Answer any questions regarding the breakup like you’re a prisoner of war.
Name, rank, serial number. Or in this case, “Oh her, yah we’re not together anymore”. Leave it at that.
What do I do next after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend?
First, it’s time to admit the relationship is over. It didn’t work. Time to move on.
Remember, you got dumped because you didn’t live up to her expectations of who she thought you were. Or, she found someone she perceived as being better than you.
The truth stings. But hopefully, you’re fairly fired up about now.
Now that she broke up with you, it’s time to break up with your former self. Whoever you were failed to maintain the attraction of the girl you thought you wanted. So you got knocked a step backward. It’s time to take a leap forward.
Whether you want to get her back or get back at her, you really only have one option at this point. Become the absolute best version of yourself.
How to recover from breaking up
There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt, used, pissed off, etc. What really matters is what you decide to do with these emotions.
Experience the emotion at the moment, accept it and release it. These darker emotions are going to serve as the fuel for your transformation. Every great artist needs a muse, right?
To kickstart this metamorphosis, you need to rapidly reset your mind. Some experts claim that it takes 28 days to form (or break) a pattern and up to 90 days for that to become a habit. For this reason, the next 30-90 days will be spent on you getting your shit back together to get over your ex-girlfriend for good.
You’re going to get knocked off track a bit. That happens. Forgive yourself, stick with the plan and keep your eye on the prize. A guy girls want to fuck and other guys don’t want to fuck with.
No drugs, alcohol, or excessive eating after breaking up
As long as you’re still feeling down over the breakup, it’s best to completely abstain from alcohol and drugs.
Hitting the bottle, bong or buffet might help in the short-term but ultimately stunts your personal growth. The act of ingesting anything only helps bury the negative emotion at the moment. The next day you feel worse than you did the day before.
Do this consecutively for long enough, and you’re eventually going to end up a big hot mess. Those feelings you are drowning will grow into a big ball of anxiety deep in your gut. Which will have to be released eventually.
I’ve been known to spend months moping around in a half-drunken daze and being an overall unpleasurable person following a breakup. Don’t do this.
Now, I’m not saying to become a teetotaler forever. Instead, simply “renegotiate” your relationship. As a rule, I’ll drink when I’m in a good mood and having a good time with good company. Conversely, if I feel like shit, this is the last thing I’ll do, although it’s the first thing I want to do.
Not only is it not imbibing healthier, but it also allows you to process the raw emotion following your breakup. Without chemical interference.
Remove the rose-colored glasses to get over an ex-girlfriend
Remember when you first started dating and you made a mental checklist of all the reasons she was so great? It’s easy to look back at a crap relationship with rose-colored glasses. Contrary to popular dating advice, do the opposite.
Reframe all of her old selling points and convert them into things you couldn’t stand about her. Here are some common examples in the table below:
|Old Frame||New Frame|
|She was a strong independent woman||She’s a ball-busting bitch who didn’t know how to act like a lady|
|She was just one of the guys||She needs constant male attention for validation|
|She likes to have fun and knows how to unwind||She’s a drug-addicted, alcoholic party girl who would make a terrible wife or mother|
|She was amazing in bed||She’s had a lot of dick and has lost the ability to pair-bond with one man|
|There’s nobody else like her||There are many girls far better than her who are dying to meet me|
This exercise is not meant to be vindictive. The point is for you to associate the feeling of disgust with any thought of her. Again, this isn’t about her. She’s gone. This is all about you.
Make sure to get a good night’s sleep
I used to think this was pretty worthless advice. Until I finally realized the power of a good night’s rest. The best time for recovery is during sleep.
As you’re falling asleep, focus on internalizing your new mental framework. Additionally, start each and every morning by conducting a quick mental audit of your personal progress before you spring out of bed to seize another day.
Just make sure you’re not oversleeping, as this could be a sign of depression. Assuming you follow the next step, under or oversleeping should not be an issue.
Get in shape to get over an ex-girlfriend
I’m sure you’re like most guys (myself included) and let yourself go a bit during the relationship. Well, now you’re back on the dating market, whether you like it or not. So you’d best get your ass back into tip-top shape.
Remember what I said about using your rage to fuel your workouts? Here’s where that applies.
Anytime a negative urge begins to sprout inside you, drop down and bang out as many pushups, body-squats, or crunches as you can. Before you know it, you’ll feel pissed off a whole lot less. You may even grow to enjoy doing push-ups just for the hell of it.
Additionally, you’ll want to be hitting heavy weights and following a clean diet. This offers a myriad of benefits, including:
- A healthy outlet for letting out your aggression (punish the weights)
- Increasing male sex hormones that improve confidence and reduce stress
- Getting so jacked that more attractive females can’t resist you
That last point is huge.
It’s a lot easier to finally move on when you physically feel good, look good, and have girls lining up to be with you. You’ll also notice another thing. The more you improve yourself, the higher-quality women you are going to attract.
Set new standards before dating new women
A funny thing happens when you start valuing yourself and attracting higher-quality women into your life. You start to set standards.
My old standard for women wasn’t really a standard at all. At first, it was simply “have sex with me”. This almost always evolved into “don’t leave me”, even long after we (read: she) decided to stop fucking.
From here on forward, you will only entertain women (outside of family and work) you are having sex with.
Here is a handful of some of my requirements for hooking up and dating. Note: Just because she wants to hook up with you does not mean she has relationship qualities.
|Requirements for Sex Only||Additional Requirements for Relationship|
|Enthusiastic about seeing me||No tattoos, crazy piercings, feminist/liberal beliefs or bastard children|
|Flexible with scheduling (no flaking)||Understands that men and women are different and have different roles in relationships|
|No games, drama or incessant texting||No texting exes, entertaining dating offers from multiple men or advertising on social media|
|Respects time, money and energy||General pleasure to be around in private and public|
|No back-talking, arguing, swearing in my presence||Agrees that I am in charge and my word is the ultimate authority|
Learn how to set boundaries in relationships
Now before you go off losing your shit calling me a misogynist (or whatever term is en vogue) you need to understand one very important thing.
A woman will never love you if she doesn’t respect you.
How do you command respect? By setting firm, unbreakable boundaries.
I am not advocating you turn into a complete dickhead here. In fact, I find boundary-setting is more effective when you do it indifferently, lovingly or even playfully. Don’t worry if it feels unnatural at first, you’ll get better with practice.
Here are some sample boundaries to start with, which you can use in any situation:
- “I don’t allow people to treat/talk to me that way.”
- “My house/car/office, my rules. You’re more than welcome to leave.”
- “I will gladly give you my attention once you’ve earned it.”
The key here is being consistent, fair, and firm. A single boundary violation equals a sign of disrespect. Remember, if she doesn’t respect you, she will never love you.
Sure, she may fuck you, but she will begin to loathe you if you don’t stand your ground.
Start dating new girls
Once you get some traction going with your transformation, it’s time to start dating again. You may feel like a new and improved man. But, there’s only one way to really find out. Put it to the test.
The great thing about dating new girls is you get to create a new beginning. You also have a real-time feedback mechanism of how much progress you’ve really made. When you actually pay attention to a woman’s behavior towards you, she’ll tell you everything you need to know about yourself.
Doesn’t return your texts? She’s not into you. Flakes on your date? She doesn’t respect your time. Challenges your authority? You need to set better boundaries or date more feminine women.
Before you know it, you’ll have this whole process internalized to the point where you’re the one spotting Tinder red flags, meticulously managing your schedule to accommodate multiple girls in one night, and having the “Let’s just be friends” talks.
Dating new girls will help you with one other thing. Finally getting over your ex-girlfriend. Of course, the minute you truly get over her, something funny will inevitably happen…
Why is my ex-girlfriend contacting me?
Girls have a sixth sense built into them and can miraculously pinpoint the exact moment you’ve truly gotten over her.
Assuming you’re doing everything right, your ex will contact you. This happens for one (or all) of the following reasons:
- You increase your value to higher than hers
- Her new guy reduces his value to lower than hers
- She’s prospecting for partners
- She’s seeking validation
Regardless of whatever “You know, I’ve been thinking…” slop she tries to feed you, ignore it.
You know why she left you. Don’t forget it.
What do I do when my ex-girlfriend contacts me?
That really depends on you. If you are still experiencing negative emotions from the relationship, don’t do anything. You’re still working on yourself.
Now let’s say you’ve moved on and forgotten all about her. Feel free to have some fun. Some of the best lays are post-wall past partners who frantically try to lock you down once they realize you’re an appreciating asset and they’re… well, not.
Once you are dating multiple girls who are cuter, younger, tighter and more feminine, your exes’ behavior will change drastically. In fact, they will likely treat you better now than they ever did during your “relationship”.
Congrats! You’ve achieved your desired outcome. Complete indifference towards the breakup.
At this point, feel free to do whatever you like. Hell, why not throw her in your rotation? Which is where she probably belonged in the first place.